The following letter was sent to me by an anonymous employee at the Ranco Las Palmas Resort in Palm Springs, California. The author identifies themselves only as “Chucky”. It appears to have been written prior to the first International Conference on Climate Change–an annual gathering of so-called “climate skeptics” in Washington D.C.  The content of the letter suggests that the premise of the ICCC Conference is to manufacture uncertainty in the conversation about anthropogenic global warming.

The employee claims she found it in a briefcase that had been turned in to the lost-and-found desk at the Rancho Las Palmas Resort.  It is worth noting that the resort was the location of a retreat hosted by Charles and David Koch just one day prior to the briefcase being found. The letter includes no conclusive evidence that the letter was addressed to Charles and David Koch.  [I transcribed the letter below due to the difficulty of reading the handwriting. Notes added are in italics and bracketed. Links are included for background information.]

TRANSCRIPT:

Dear Charles and David,

[continued]

I was glad to get a letter from you. In the mail. You guys are great. Who sends letters anymore? And sealed with a wax stamp…ha ha, you creeps

Well, I have been thinking about the dilemmas you mentioned regarding global warming. And yes, of course I’m happy to offer some advice!

Let’s start with the facts, and don’t let them discourage you–we can beat these pencilnecks[sic]:

There is overwhelming. global, peer-reviewed, all that stuff, scientific consensus on human-caused climate change. All of the top um, scientific bodies around the world (even your friends at NAS) [National Academy of Sciences, presumably] are convinced. And you know how they are about things they are convinced of.

So.

You need an elaborate–I mean, Ocean’s 11, 12, 13 AND 14-style–elaborate–HOAX. You gotta do what it takes to keep the public guessing. Otherwise, they’re going to realize you’re boiling ‘em like frogs in a pot. As dumb as they are, those American Idol wannabe fatasses outnumber us, boys. Ha ha? No but seriously.

Here’s what you do:                    ran out of room–>[sic]

The IPCC is the UN‘s big gang of credible scientists that have the loudest voice in climate change findings. They issue statements and conclusions after they get together at a conference, right? Well, You can have a conference, too!

Call it something similar to the IPCC so it’s hard to tell yours apart from the real one. Call it… the International Conference on Climate Change. IPCC? ICCC?  ICUP? ;-p The media’ll never get the distinction across in one headline.

You won’t get many actual scientists to come to your conference, of course. So focus on inviting smart people who either look good on camera or don’t have any friends left in at their jobs. You know the type–insecure academics who’ll do anything to stand out in their field. Letters after their name is preferable–but not crucial. You can always just make something up.

Better yet–just promote them as scientists on your conference’s website. [This is happening now. Read about it.] It’s a free country, right? What they gonna do, take your birthdays away? (I’ve been to your parties, they couldn’t afford it.)

I did you the courtesy of sending along with this a list of ppl to invite. Ya, you owe me another elephant-shoot. Really. [List was not included. See link in previous paragraph]

(Sorry, this was the only other paper I could find. Just don’t lose this letter.) [letterhead at top of page reads: "Chamber of Commerce / United States of America]

Note: your companies can’t directly host the conference.  You need a wholesome-sounding name for a front group or two that you can control from behind the scenes. Call it the “American Dream Freedom Alliance”…no, no good…the “Institute of the Heartland”  yeah… almost…I’ll work on that one. OH! I got it: “Americans for Prosperity.” I’m on a roll. “What’s that, Dr. Scientist? I couldn’t hear all those numbers you were using in your argument because I was deafened by your HATRED for Americans AND Prosperity!”

That should keep them guessing for long enough to keep the UN from getting in your way. Gotta warn you, though. Your[sic] going into pretty public territory now, (and we’re talking about, like, the death of the planet and all, so be careful.)

Talk soon,

CHUCKY

P.S. And don’t overreact when knucklehead bloggers figure you out. No one reads them anyway.

Filed under: Climate Policy, Climate Science, Corporate Responsibility, Greenwashing, Humor, United Nations