The below article is an attempt to use a satirical historical comparison to demonstrate how we have drifted away from moral messages that convey our values and the seriousness of the situation in favor of treating a societal evil (emitting greenhouse gases) as a trade-able commodity that has a rightful place in our society.

“Cap and Trade Bill Passes House, Democrats Attack as Assault on Economy”

June 26th, 1859

The United States House of Representatives, in a victory for the nascent Republican Party, narrowly voted to substantially reduce the amount of slaves in the United States by the turn of the century.

“This is a great victory for freedom and equality” said Rep. Daniel Webster, Chairman of the Committee on Commerce of the House and lead author of the bill.  ”By the end of the century, about 80% of the slaves alive right now will be free.”  Webster worked closely with long-term ally Henry Clay to draft the legislation.

The two worked hard to negotiate in advance with representatives from slave states, to craft a compromise that would muster enough votes to pass, but still reduce the number of slaves in America.

Anti-slavery groups hailed Webster & Clay for their courageous vision: “Daniel Webster & Henry Clay took a bold and unequivocal stance that our current levels of slavery are unsustainable, and that we should gradually decrease the amount of slaves over the next fifty years,” said Andrew Smith, head of the Abolition Advocacy Program of the anti-slavery Former Slaves for Freedom (FSF).

The bill puts a “cap” on the total amount of slaves permitted in the United States, and gives each slave-owner a “credit” for each of the slaves they now own, with a few industries exempted.  As the years go on, there will be a gradually diminishing supply of “credits” for slaves, until the turn of the century, where permits will exist for only 17% of the current number of slaves.

Slave Tax?

Democrats voted almost universally against the bill, saying it was equal to a ’slave tax’ that would cost hard-working Americans their jobs.  “Our economy is dependent on slaves, plain and simple.  How many small farms will go bankrupt because of Lincoln’s Slave Tax?” asked Rep. Joe Barbarion (D-TX), the ranking Democrat on the Committee of Commerce.  “When we regain power, we will repeal this assault on American jobs.”

Most economists agree that a tax on slaves would be a more efficient way to reduce the number of slaves, but the ruling Republican Party did not want to be seen as raising taxes with mid-term elections only a year away.

Freedom-Industry Jobs

Instead of losing jobs as Democrats claim, Republicans argued that the cap and trade slavery program would actually create new  “freedom-industry” jobs.  “Think about it,” said Rep. John Smith (R-MD), “every slave that’s freed is a slave who is going to need someone to teach them everything from grammar to farming.  An entire new industry dedicated to the service of newly freed slaves will create far more jobs than will be lost.”

Yet this argument did not win over many recalcitrant swing-district Republicans, most of whom have substantial plantations in their districts.  “Now look, as a privileged white male in congress, I care as much about equality as the next guy,” said Rep. James Bartholomei (R-VA), “but you can’t expect me to vote my district and this great nation into bankruptcy.  We need slaves to power our economy.  And if we start freeing them, even gradually, then other countries that still have slaves will undercut our cotton prices, and our nation’s economy will crumble.  I just can’t vote for that.”

On to the Senate

The bill now waits an uncertain future in the Senate.  Senate leaders indicate that they want to try to pass the bill this summer, but the Republicans have a smaller lead in the upper house of congress.  While anti-slavery groups are publicly expressing optimism that they can increase slave reductions in the Senate version, they publicly admit that the opposite is more likely.  An anonymous senator confirmed this, stating: “We just don’t have the votes to free that many slaves.  But we’re hoping to pass a bill that will allow us to as many as half of the slaves by the end of the century.”

Anti-slavery groups hope that once people start seeing former slaves become free, autonomous individuals without destroying the economy, public support for slave reductions will continue to grow.

Abolition

A few fringe anti-slavery groups attacked the bill, claiming that it was too little, too late.  “Slavery is wrong, period.” said Josiah Bartlett, of Patriots for Freedom (PfF) Tthis bill will actually allow the number of slaves to increase until 1880, as slave owners here can buy new slaves, so long as other slaves abroad are ‘freed’.  This will create a perverse incentive for people to capture slaves abroad so that they can free them, and slavery will continue to reign in our nation.  This madness has to end now.”

Please note that this article is entirely satirical, and that the author is very much glad that slavery ended as early as it did, and indeed wishes that more citizens had been willing earlier to take a stand on this once-controversial issue in favor of liberty and justice for all.

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