Waiting and Delays

Arriving monstrously early at Wlg airport means spending a monstrous number of hours in a place with nothing to do. Fortunately, I was in an extremely agreeable mood, so I thought nothing of it. I don't mind delays, either, as long as they don't interfere with my schedule. I can entertain myself just fine, thank you.

What did touch a few nerves was "we are late for departure due to the plane's late arrival." What does that statement even achieve except for try to blame someone else? Weird.

The Walk

Jeremy Clarkson does not speak highly of the walk between Auckland domestic and international airports. His description would have me think that someone was forcing him to run a marathon with his luggage... uphill... and on one leg. It was actually very short, very easy and very bland. Poor Clarkson. I'll still read his books though, coz he's damn funny.

To Gate 10 and a little Paranoid Story

Barely able to contain the excitement bubbling just under my skin, I made a beeline for Gate 10 (AKL --> LAX), where MC was already. At first I couldn't find him, so that entertained the idea that the entire conference-poster-paper thing is a conspiracy to bring me down before I can build on a reputation and/or career. Similar to my work scenario right now, where giving me huge responsibility and potential to direct change is just a setup to watch me crash and burn. No matter, because I get kicks from a huge potential fall and I don't really think these people are hating on me. =P It's just me self-doubting - why me? Why would they want me?

It was cool to see MC, although I was quite aware that I would have to be very careful about how annoying I am!!! TK is always kindly reminding me of how annoying I am from HK to AKL. Thanks. I don't personally think I'm that annoying, but hey I respect the opinions of others and I don't want to annoy MC.

Boarding and Flying

Board! Board! Board! So excited. MC recommended The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Quite funny, cool costumes and soundtrack. Actually, it was much funnier than I expected. Heh. Some good quotes from there, methinks. I also watched The Jane Austin Book Club, which was a chicky flick so you need a bit of patience. A few cutesy, funny bits though.

On the way back, I watched Magic Boy, which was pretty crap but I enjoyed the HK-flavoured cutesy things. I understand those social things more than any social thing I gather in NZ. Even though I have spent a larger portion of my life here. I also watched most of Transformers. I will have to watch the ending some time, since I fell asleep. But it totally wasn't what I expected. The whole film is just silly-humour, which I don't mind except that it danced dangerously-close to stupid-humour, like the type you find in teen movies or when some drunk guy pees in a bottle and that's supposed to be funny.

I sped-listened to a few albums, but I'm still really feeling Alicia Keys' As I Am. Note to self, I have to get some in-ear earphones.

Arrival

AAAAARRRRRRRRRGHH!!! WOW - in L.A.!!! LOS ANGELES. Sweet! All of the excitement over what lies just beyond the known mixing with memories from the first time. So thrilling to be knocked slightly off axle - not completely sure how things work, where things are...

As we waited for the shuttle to come, I was amazed by the fact I was in another country again. I was amazed by the different cars, buildings, trees and people... almost a different sky even though I know it is not... I was humbled by the look on people's faces when you give them a genuine smile, as if for a moment they have come out of their own skin. I also marvelled at the length, yet uniformity of a set of false eyelashes the shuttle organiser had on. I wondered whether she had preened herself for work or whether she was meeting someone.

I think I slept through most of the ride to Long Beach. But as we arrived, I recognised the streets and buildings that I had semi-explored using Google Maps. I like having the water nearby because it gives me a reference point and I feel more ready to explore. It's a good feeling.

We checked into the hotel and it was good to have a few hours just to recharge. I unpacked into roomy drawers and cupboard, then discovered a shower with two shower-heads and a double-lined curtain, hair conditioner that actually works and thick, semi-soft towels and most importantly, a soft yet firm bed with endless pillows, thick yet semi-light duvet and crisp sheets. So heavenly. Although it still doesn't really compare to my own bed. =P

II. There

The First Time

We registered/picked up stuff and went to talks in the Membrane Biophysics Subgroup (Channel Gating Modifiers and Modulators). Getting back into the language of science was much easier than I thought and already I was taking comfort in the fact I could communicate with MC without first having to think, "now, how would a business person interpret this?" Likewise, when we met up with CS at the Opening Mixer, it was good to be able to talk as I have talked for a year. I am still quite shocked at why this is so. I also wonder how much CE has changed me and how much more it will. I am still learning to talk two decades after my first word.

I saw MC and CS talk with various colleagues and people introducing themselves to talk of potential connections and collaborations. It was exciting and amusing... I guess you could say that at that stage I hadn't even realised I was overwhelmed - but I was and I'm glad I had those two there.

Subsequent Times and Tomorrow

As I attended more sessions and looked at more posters, I began to paint a picture of what Biophysics was all about. I tried to engage in others' research for the subject itself, but also for ideas that may be translated to 'my own' (having 'my own' research still feels weird to me). I was more attracted to methodology and motivation as opposed to the actual conclusions. I wondered whether this reflected the ambiguity and often meaninglessness of conclusions or whether it revealed something about my interest in knowledge and science. Do I like science or do I like knowledge? I think I like science - building knowledge and what it can be used for. In any case, I saw a few projects that made me think about my future project in new ways. They also made me think about problem-solving in a slightly different way.

I was very aware that I found it difficult to understand a lot of people's work. Again, I didn't know whether it was because they sucked or I sucked. Probably a bit of both, since I am not that familiar with the wide-range of techniques and approaches to problem-solving. I mean, I guess that is why I am here. But I have to admit I am a little disappointed that international level scientists are not better or more attentive towards the communication of their research. Again, people who do not put this effort in can simply not have the right to complain they are misunderstood in their institutions, let alone the general public. I'm not saying that it doesn't take two to tango though. Still, even if people aren't interested in communication for communication's sake (I can't really understand that), then they must still be interested in funding. And funding is so dependent on public pressure, as well as society's value on intellect and Education.

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BOX 1: Science, The Unsung Hero
I find the continuing disinterest in science and thought particularly alarming in the US. I am told that many people in the US do not understand the concept of science, let alone trust it or even know what it has founded. The debate with evolution and intelligent design is huge, feeding growing concern about the quality of education their children are getting. This is on top of the fact that the US is split into 15,000 individual school districts.

In a conversation with someone I highly respect, the frustration was evident when describing society's apparent aversion from anything hard. I guess it's about finding a way to engage students long enough so that they are able to get closer to achievement. Once you feel what it means to achieve something, or get through something hard, you never look back. Psychologists say that lack of motivation can be due to lack of self-esteem. Or is it that people are not understanding integrity? Going all the way with a string of thoughts in life is just as important as following through in a netball game.

I'm going to have to carry on with this box in another post, with a brainstorm of things that I/you can do to help the case of science...no, thinking.

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There were a few talks that got me really excited about being a part of science and being part of a group that is so complementary to my values. A lot of my skills are just seeds if anything at all and I am just so excited to see what I can make of them. The learning and teaching, thinking and sharing, knowing and feeling, testing and observing - all seem to describe myself as well as science. I guess my work right now tests whether I can feel this affinity for something else. Is what I feel with the lab group true? Actually, for a moment I thought perhaps that this group was unique and when I leave for another, I wouldn't care for 'science' as much. I don't know, but I am pretty confident that if that happens, I will still have direction in my life, as I always have.

Anyway, I wrote several things down that I need to look up and several things I need to do. Am I good enough? Will I be able to improve? I just heard Professor Randy Pausch say that you have to cherish feedback and critique because it's when you know you've done something mediocre/pathetic and no-one is telling you that you should worry - because they have given up. I completely agree and it is something I worry about a lot.

The Poster and a Starstruck Story

My poster was a Sunday poster and I stood by it from 2:45 to 4:30 PM. I don't know how many people saw it and I don't remember how many people asked me questions, but whatever it was, I wanted more. But I think I became a bit too preoccupied with this task, because I didn't get a lot of time to examine the other posters in my category. That's a bit annoying because that would have been the section that I had the highest chances of understanding.

I did get a chance to scope out some of the people whose names I recognise. That was pretty cool, though I can say that it doesn't compare to the first time I found a paper by CS and noted (I know, I am so observant) that he was just down the hall. I remember telling him this soon after and he seemed sort of surprised/amused at my reaction - I guess he hadn't been aware how ignorant I was regarding how science actually worked. I often wonder whether my ignorance was on par with the average second year undergraduate.

Anyway, poster day was a bit too stimulating for me - I'd talked a lot, met a lot of people and learnt a lot of things I never imagined knowing. So I ended up in bed by 9 PM - counting sit ups (100, 101...) and kicks, thinking about the day, feeling anxious and excited and realising that I hadn't eaten since 6:30 PM the night before. Not that I was missing much in terms of great tastes.

All I have to say is, everyday I realise I am changing. In ways I can hardly predict.

Food and Dinners

Food in the US is notoriously large in portions and high in fat. Yes, yes. All I taste is grease. Oh sorry, yes, also sugar and salt. Did I mention grease? Oh, well you can taste it by smell even if you try to avoid eating it. The trouble with grease is that it makes you want more grease and honestly, a good yoghurt doesn't really compare to a juicy burger. But it's not like I'm going to let a few days in the US ruin my new self-body-image and -esteem. Self-control is key.

Dinners in the US were great! I enjoyed all the conversations and laughs... am especially appreciative of the company. It's just that people don't have to be nice to me (or anyone), spend time with me, help me... and yet they do, you know? I'm very grateful for that and very aware of what it takes to get along with me. At the same time (and sort of unrelated to this trip, but nonetheless it's brought up now), I realise that some people associate with me for their own benefits. I am still unsure how to deal with this, as I am still going through the motions of being hurt and embarrassed. I don't even know that I need to be more protective, as that type of change would be an insult to my own integrity. Do you think? I am unsure. I had a few good conversations with MC and CS (separately) and I often wonder what they think. Maybe the day I figure this out will be the day I know I'm ready to graduate. Or something.

I went to the Graduate Breakfast, which was ok but I thought it was not very well organised. Met some nice people, though not as many as I had expected. Some people were more friendly than others.

III. Coming Down

Aquarium of the Pacific

So the aquarium is NOT the gigantic structure with sea-life painted all over it. No, it is the other building, three blocks away, that has no animals printed on it whatsoever. Brilliant. Anyway, I really like museums, galleries and collections of that nature, so I was quite enthusiastic about this visit and especially with MC there, who would know lots of izzle to complement the sights. Anyway, the aquarium was very pretty I admit, but lacking in information associated with the displays. That is also ok I guess, since I can look up information later.

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BOX 2: I'm Creature, I'm Earth, My Mother, My Birth

What really got to me was learning about the distress of the animals, the damage that is brought down upon their habitats and how little anyone cares. Here are beautiful creatures and plants - silent against a backdrop of screaming children running around teachers who seem nonchalant about enriching their students' minds, let alone bringing forth a sense of social and environmental responsibility. There is a curiosity in living things, in our surroundings and how it all works that is crushed by peer pressure.

Ashamedly, I do recall that I used to be very passionate about my dolphins, whales and environment (I was never into horses, excuse me =P). But somehow that got lost. Maybe it was because I made that speech about the environment that was 2 minutes too long and everyone rolled their eyes at me. Maybe it was because I moved onto college and school-work took over my life. Maybe I just cared less. I don't know. I still have my posters, drawings and books. Hm. Sometimes I feel so apathetic. Am I? Have I become what I promised myself not to become?

Anyway, I need a few days to downsize a few videos I took. They will be posted soon.

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Shoreline Village

There was a free afternoon on Wednesday that I spent walking along the waterfront. I like doing that and it feels familiar to me, like the waterfront in Wellington or Auckland. I walked as far as the beach and turned into the city. Again, a stranger nodded hello and walked on by. I am not sure why I am seeing a more friendly side of Long Beach than people have been telling me. That's my shadow in the photo there.

I also managed to see Shoreline Village at night later on and that was really cool. I love roaming around, seeing and trying new things, talking to locals, breathing the air... And at night, it's a totally different experience.

The Way Back

I guess I was sorta sad and very tired on the flight back. I guess it ended too soon, but I feel motivated, inspired and very much grateful and humbled over where I am and what I have.

IV. Summary

I'm back on Earth, but maybe I have changed again. I have a warm feeling in my stomach that rises up suddenly like bubbles and I can't help but smile. Sometimes it's released as a giggle or even a laugh, but who cares what other people think? I am grateful for the people I have around me and the opportunities I have. There is still uncertainty over what I can do, what will become of me, but I have a much stronger sense of who I am now. I feel so ready to step up and I think I have made that mental move. A little more focussed, a little more alive.


Oh, I've started reading "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold. :) I have recently read "The Chinese Room" by Vivian Connell, which I thought was pretty good. I don't know if I mentioned, but I also read "As You Thinketh" by James Allen and "Concepts of the Self" by Anthony Elliot. The latter was pretty good. The former, not so good. I've also read this paper produced by HP regarding the use of Facebook. Ok to dull paper. Been thinking about ICTs in the workplace and society. Have downloaded some papers on science and education, research-related stuff. I want to hit the ground running. But I have to remember why I am here. I need to learn to drive!!!

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