"Friday 22.02.08

Actually, it's 23.02.08 at about 1 AM. As per usual, I am tired, can't sleep and wondering about lots of things. Just finished The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Reminded me at an emotional level about the fragility of human existence - if I could be a star in the sky...

...been wondering if I want to do research and I imagine myself saying, "I'm not coming back" - it felt sort of liberating, but in a self-denying, masochistic sort of way... wondering where I am on people's priorities, what I am to them - misused, manipulated, discarded, startover. Wondering why I'm working and imagine myself saying, "I'm leaving." Wondering why I'm doing these interviews and presentations and trying to change the world and I imagine myself saying, "I'm done."

...alone, can't sleep, but so tired... felt compelled to have a few drinks, so I did. Wondering why I feel a need to escape my mind, the one thing...

...but I have to keep moving, away from here because I've been here before...

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