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oic
| To inspire, inform, involve people in appreciating world issues on a first hand basis. We will examine our experiences and thoughts in a way that prompts discussion, thought and action on phenomena around us, be it man-made, organic or super-natural. |
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Quit, Don't Quit. Noodles, Don't Noodles.
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Hm yeah, so the last post was very... I'd like to think that I can undergo this current change without any more tantrums. I've decided and reflected upon some values that will guide me through accepting that nobody else cares as much about my project as I do and definitely, nobody else cares as much about me as I do. Sad, but also liberating, I guess.
People have suggested that maintaining sanity can be aided via friendship and the occasional drink. I've decided that hanging out with friends is necessary in that regard, but it does not actually establish any new self-worth, at least for me. I am going to stop consumption of alcohol altogether because it makes me silly and the carefree feeling only lasts as long as you're drunk (silliness is poor behaviour and I have no desire to seek transient happiness). So, DB was right about my having to find a project. I need to do something that will make me feel worthy. The problem is, I don't have time to actually plan and execute a substantial project that I will put my name to. So, substitutes are minor events/projects that I just participate in. Today will be a continuation of Camp Quality, which helped put my head back on - it is Balloons Over Waikato. To be honest, I've always had a huge level of insecurity when I do things that are important to me. I like to forget those moments, but I always obsessed that the person/people from whom I seek respect will never do so. The only difference this time, is that I don't have someone continually trying to convince me that I'm worthy. But I'm stronger than that. Surely. I guess I'm trying to balance peace, concentration, humility, generosity and all those things that if I nurture them inside my person, I will be able to achieve that outward level of kindness and wisdom that I want. No more weird posts for a while, eh? I promise.
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Answers?
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People ask me questions that do not seem to require verbal answers. I thought it was pretty obvious given that (a) I am a PhD student and (b) I don't consider myself particularly complex. But anyway.
Why I run:
- directly causes endorphin-release (unlike most things in my life), although efficacy is declining. I don't know why I said I'd do the Melbourne Marathon - I'm stupid. But I feel in a hurry. I want to do it before it's all over.
Why I drink coffee:
Why I am giving up coffee:
- reduce reflux and risk of stomach ulceration
Why I am taking up V:
- substitute for coffee (although why does its caffeine content not cause reflux?!)
- allows me to feel somewhat normal (i.e. motivated and happy)
Why I lack sleep:
- every time my head hits my pillow I start crying
There, I said it. I'm weak. Boo hoo to me. ROLL EYES. I was taught that crying in front of people who care about you is the same as hurting them.
Maybe I'm an empty promise like stem-cell or gene therapy. 3 yrs ago, a casual observer would still have lumped me in with the young rising leaders - you know, the ones that were smart and socially-responsible, yet were personable and showed humility and compassion (yeah, stick that in a personals). Of course, you wouldn't anymore (that's how I can say that without being arrogant). Because while those others are flying around, running projects that appear to contribute to our world, I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning and even when I do, it is to take my wretched body upon my stumpy legs 15 min up the road to University, where mostly I stare with a confused expression at images that are either formed on two rectangular flat screen monitors or by two circular objective lenses. From this point of view, a PhD is a selfish thing, because while my other friends are applying themselves to real-World problems, I am using the world's problems to improve myself. Of course, I realise they might not actually be saving the world (as I begin to see how things work). I want to be a real Photon Girl - shining light on knowledge, society and your very life!! I don't know what I'm trying to say , but I miss having those conversations where we would try to figure the universe out and think of solutions to all of its problems because we believed that one day it would be our turn to actually do it. I want to win stupid prizes that describe me as being a fucking fabulous young scientist/speaker/a postdoc with 10 years of travel funding secured. I want a sign that I haven't become vestigial. And make it believable, would you - I'm a sceptical person. But I am the motivated one, I am the one who never disappoints, I am the one who keeps it together when things go bad. Now, nothing is particularly wrong, but I'm not together.FUCK YOU, CHERRIE. FUCK YOU - go think about variance instead of thinking about yourself all the time.
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Life In Technicolor II
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A great song for a shitty day. Actually if you listen to it without watching the video, it sounds like war... of course, as I imagine it, I've never been to war. Gees.
Life In Technicolor II
Coldplay
There's a wild wind blowin' down the corner of my street
Every night there the headlights are glowin'
There's a cold war comin' on the radio I heard
Oh baby, it's a violent world
Oh love, don't let me go
Won't you take me where the street lights glow
I can hear rain coming
I can hear the siren sound
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Time came a-creepin'
Oh and time's a loaded gun
Every road is a ray of light
It goes on...
Time only can lead you on
Still it's such a beautiful night
Oh love, don't let me go
Won't you take me where the street lights glow
I can hear rain coming
Like a serenade of sound
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Gravity release me
And never hold me down
Now my feet won't touch the ground
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The Girl At the UN
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For some reason this made me ball my eyes out. Maybe because she sounds exactly like I sounded when I was 12, speech and all. I wonder where that optimistic determination and belief that 'I can do anything' have gone? I guess I'm more realistic. I guess I'm still the same. I still mostly underestimate the amount of effort and/or length of time it will take me to do something.
Or maybe I just needed a cry this week and what better thing to cry to than a small child telling you that she fears for her future. In case she is reading this, I suppose I am in fear of my future, too, but likely in more selfish ways than compared to her or even when I was younger. I don't know what I've become. Though, admittedly, if I really didn't think I could become someone I want to be, I would not even try. I still think I can. I will do it. But I guess I need encouragement to do things that may prove I'm worth the space that I take up on this Earth. And I will eventually find the affirmation. I want to know, how are you?
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It's A Love Story, Baby Just Say Yes
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Uh, so even though I'm supposedly too rational and cynical... I still like songs like this (and the dresses) =P
Oh, find a higher quality and faster load here at Last.fm.
Love Story
Taylor Swift
We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air
See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes
So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while
'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh
I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said
Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you
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| February 28, 2009 | 12:02 PM |
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