I'm scared.

The anxiety has been steadily climbing since I got here and I hadn't even realised until now. It has actually got to a point that my stomach feels sick and I am constantly nervous:

And it's all superfluous because I know I'm here to learn and I know that these people are here to help me learn - but - I keep feeling like I have to prove something.

And that's all fine because it shows I care - but - my fear has pushed me to the edge, staring down at dread, disengagement and potentially, apathy.

And that's the scariest part of all.

I've been feeling very apprehensive about leaving work/Wellington and going back up to study/Auckland. I know because my sleeping patterns have scattered again.

I keep telling everyone different things, because I don't know what the reason is. There are a lot of possibilities:

• adjusting to the lab/faculty changes - renovations, people changes...
  
• leaving home - despite my complaints, there are really good parts about living at home, like having company/support/shoulders on-demand
• I've achieved hardly anything I set out to do here - e.g. catch up with friends more, meet new people, get my restricted, paint more, bake more... I have, however, worked a lot, read a lot and managed to improve my fitness
  

• my change - I'm scared I've had a change of heart, I'm scared I haven't changed/improved at all, I'm scared that people here are ready to say goodbye to the me they now know and that people there are ready to say hello to the me they once knew and will no longer get - that'll leave me nowhere, with no-one at all

• absolutely exhausted - 12 AM sleep-time and 4 AM wake-ups still? Yes. If I go to bed earlier, does it help? No, I just wake up earlier. Go figure that.