Today I realised that all this year I'd festered
guilt over the amount of time I spend working. People are always saying that relationships, health and living your youth are more important. I know - thanks for reminding me that I haven't taken care of any of those things. But surely, always worrying is an inhibitory way to live? I just want to see what's around the corner - youth
is racing forward to see what's next. I'm sick of stressing over what my future might mean given my past. No amount of self-pity will make someone come and tell me what I want to hear.
And you know what, I'm not ashamed that I enjoy work. *gasp* I admit it -
I like this PhD thing. I
want to do this, so stop telling me it's going to last 10 million years and that each will be a deeper level in hell. Stop telling me that I'll eventually hate my supervisor(s) and that nobody else in the world will know my topic, let alone give a shit. I like my supervisors and I like my topic, so you're shit. I like programming. I like teaching. I like marking. I like trying new stuff and even being overwhelmed with floods of ignorance and lack of ability. Stop telling me working is bad, stop predicting my life. I'll eat your cynicism and spit out light. Take that.
Balancing socializing and work is a new thing to me, though. I used to just forego the social thing. I think I'm doing fine, though. You know what is evident? Socializing is very very complicated. Inclusion/exclusion, distance/intrusion, secrets that intend to protect but end up with pain, fears over uncertain feelings, lies, abandonment, faithfulness. When relationships fade or change, people stress out. When relationships are absent, people stress out. Yet people aren't closer when they can be. I watch and listen and people seem to hold something painful inside. Sometimes I think
the pain comes from trying to hold still.
But you know how it is with society, acceptance comes with conformity, so I've begun to hold still and go with it.
I just shut up and watch them. The people that make up society and the people who don't. But I try to not let them know. They wouldn't like that - being watched. I'm trying to relate.
I suppose I'll try to make people smile, but it's hard. Sometimes things come out wrong. Sometimes things come out right, but are misinterpreted. Some things work one moment, but not the next.
So I try to keep my mouth shut.
But what I
really want to say is -
I like you for who you are, I like just being with you and I hope nothing ever comes between us. :)
People around me are good. I believe it, I believe it, I believe it.
