People ask me questions that do not seem to require verbal answers. I thought it was pretty obvious given that (a) I am a PhD student and (b) I don't consider myself particularly complex. But anyway.
Why I run:
- directly causes endorphin-release (unlike most things in my life), although efficacy is declining. I don't know why I said I'd do the Melbourne Marathon - I'm stupid. But I feel in a hurry. I want to do it before it's all over.
Why I drink coffee:
Why I am giving up coffee:
- reduce reflux and risk of stomach ulceration
Why I am taking up V:
- substitute for coffee (although why does its caffeine content not cause reflux?!)
- allows me to feel somewhat normal (i.e. motivated and happy)
Why I lack sleep:
- every time my head hits my pillow I start crying
There, I said it. I'm weak. Boo hoo to me. ROLL EYES. I was taught that crying in front of people who care about you is the same as hurting them.
Maybe I'm an empty promise like stem-cell or gene therapy. 3 yrs ago, a casual observer would still have lumped me in with the young rising leaders - you know, the ones that were
smart and socially-responsible, yet were personable and showed humility and compassion (yeah, stick that in a personals). Of course, you wouldn't anymore (that's how I can say that without being arrogant). Because while those others are flying around, running projects that appear to contribute to our world, I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning and even when I do, it is to take my wretched body upon my stumpy legs 15 min up the road to University, where mostly I stare with a confused expression at images that are either formed on two rectangular flat screen monitors or by two circular objective lenses. From this point of view, a PhD is a selfish thing, because
while my other friends are applying themselves to real-World problems, I am using the world's problems to improve myself. Of course, I realise they might not actually be saving the world (as I begin to see how things work). I want to be a real Photon Girl - shining light on knowledge, society and your very life!!
I don't know what I'm trying to say
, but I miss having those conversations where we would try to figure the universe out and think of solutions to all of its problems because we believed that one day it would be our turn to actually do it. I want to win stupid prizes that describe me as being a fucking fabulous young scientist/speaker/a postdoc with 10 years of travel funding secured.
I want a sign that I haven't become vestigial. And make it believable, would you - I'm a sceptical person.
But
I am the motivated one,
I am the one who never disappoints,
I am the one who keeps it together when things go bad.
Now, nothing is particularly wrong, but I'm not together.FUCK YOU, CHERRIE. FUCK YOU - go think about variance instead of thinking about yourself all the time.
