Hm yeah, so the last post was very... I'd like to think that I can undergo this current change without any more tantrums. I've decided and reflected upon some values that will guide me through accepting that nobody else cares as much about my project as I do and definitely, nobody else cares as much about me as I do. Sad, but also liberating, I guess.
People have suggested that maintaining sanity can be aided via
friendship and the occasional
drink. I've decided that hanging out with friends is necessary in that regard, but it does not actually
establish any new self-worth, at least for me. I am going to
stop consumption of alcohol altogether because it makes me silly and the carefree feeling only lasts as long as you're drunk (silliness is poor behaviour and I have no desire to seek transient happiness).
So, DB was right about my having to find a project. I need to do something that will make me feel worthy. The problem is, I don't have time to actually plan and execute a substantial project that I will put my name to. So, substitutes are minor events/projects that I just participate in. Today will be a continuation of
Camp Quality, which helped put my head back on - it is
Balloons Over Waikato.
To be honest, I've always had a huge level of insecurity when I do things that are important to me. I like to forget those moments, but I always obsessed that the person/people from whom I seek respect will never do so. The only difference this time, is that I don't have someone continually trying to convince me that I'm worthy. But I'm stronger than that. Surely.
I guess I'm trying to balance peace, concentration, humility, generosity and all those things that if I nurture them inside my person, I will be able to achieve that outward level of kindness and wisdom that I want.
No more weird posts for a while, eh? I promise.
